Time to Come Clean

20 Feb

So, I started the year with high hopes, great ambitions and all that.

I have been less than successful in, basically, getting off of my butt! And it’s been killing me. Mostly because I KNOW what I can do when I put my mind to something.

But there have been obstacles. All Mental. All of them…it is all in my head. And I’m putting it all out here because I hope that will help me get my ass in gear. The last 6-8 months have been really hard for me on a few fronts.

  1. I have been a financial disaster since about October. Those who know me know that I *hate* to spend money. I really do. I’ve got some innate hoarding thing that tells me I need to be ready for anything. So I save. And save and save. But for the last several months I haven’t been able to do that. And it has been way more stress than I can deal with. I blame this stress on #2 here.
  2. My job is ridiculous and makes me crazy. It is a complete cluster and has been from before the start. Started after I thought I would, minimal training, system screw ups that STILL haven’t been fixed….it’s not great. But…as a contractor I have to show up and do the job so I can get paid. And I do. As much as it stresses me out, I do.
  3. Personally I’ve had a couple of things go completely batshit crazy – in the super subtle introvert way my life goes batshit crazy – and even if I don’t want to admit it all the time, it hurts and makes me second guess myself. When people you thought would never let you down or turn their back on you do in fact turn their backs and let you down…
  4. My usual body-image issues (which I haven’t actually ever shared here) are raging out of control!! And not at all helped by my complete inertia. Or the fact that I’m creeping back up to my heaviest and squishiest on a pretty fast pace. This one is a vicious cycle I tell you

I have finally started taking steps to get things back on track.

  1. I asked for help. Not something I necessarily wanted to do but when I got mail from the mortgage holder on my home telling me that they were “worried” about a very late payment I *had* to do something. And I’m no Kanye, ain’t no one setting up gofundme pages for me!
  2. Honestly, I have been looking since about a month after I started and things are kind of hopping now so fingers crossed something will pop soon!
  3. I don’t really have a whole lot of control over this stuff….and so it will be my motivator to get out there and keep going no matter what others may think or say about me. Kind of a big one finger salute if you will…
  4. Ugh. This is the toughest and the one I have never actually dealt with in a constructive way. And, frankly, I’m still not. And not completely sure I ever will.

So there you have it. No cute memes, no pictures of puppies. Just me.

Yeah, I’ve been stuck for a while. But I’m working on getting unstuck and getting where I need to be. And I am hoping that being able to share here is part of the process will actually kind of push me to do more sharing here….

It’s not *all* bad, of course. Nothing ever is. I am so very very grateful for the ones who have reached out and the ones who have believed my side of things and the ones who’ve stepped in to help me out. And I’ve got that dog who can always make me smile!

Thanks for hanging in with me, really. It’s appreciated more than you might know

7 Responses to “Time to Come Clean”

  1. nancy February 21, 2016 at 9:00 am #

    Oh wow…I hear you. A barrage from all sides. Asking for help is huge. Sounds like by writing this post that you are already moving the metaphorical needle back in the right direction. When I don’t feel like running, I take a walk. Even just a 10 minute walk can clear my head on the worst days. Hang in there.

    • outrunningthefork February 23, 2016 at 5:40 am #

      Thanks Nancy — a weekend with a good friend and other happy developments are helping. My last hurdle is that whole “motivation to workout” thing…but at the very least, I get out a few times a day with the dog!!

  2. kate a February 20, 2016 at 10:04 pm #

    I get it. I so get it. I feel like I’m slogging along in the same sorts of ditches – but I will come out the other side – and you will too. Keep hangin in. And about the Dan Fogelberg tattoo — yeah, it was the 80’s — and we had some rockin fun, didn’t we?? Just don’t go buying any stereos that won’t even fit in your car. xoxo

    • outrunningthefork February 23, 2016 at 5:41 am #

      Thanks girl — we’ll get through it together that’s for sure!!

  3. christine February 20, 2016 at 9:46 pm #


  4. Mark February 20, 2016 at 8:38 pm #

    1) It’s going around, a lot.
    2) Keep churning.
    3) It’s terrible when friends turn out not to be friendly, but take solace in the fact that you have friends like me who are self absorbed enough that they don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about, and would still think you’re great even if we did.
    4) Is this about the Dan Fogelberg tattoo on your butt? It was a bad decision, nothing more. I mean it’s a conversation starter for sure, but it doesn’t really keep you from being sexy, in my humble opinion.

    Sometimes letting people know what you’re going through is just what the doctor ordered. Hang in there hon. Thinking of you 🙂

    • outrunningthefork February 23, 2016 at 5:44 am #

      Gives new meaning to the line in The Passage — talk about your ring around the moon, eh? 🙂
      Nice to know I can always count on you for a grin and pep talk – even if they aren’t always necessarily in pep-talk style!

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